Thursday, July 13, 2017

Seattle Update: So Many Hills

I've been in Seattle for about five weeks now, so I feel like I can speak with some serious authority when I say that Seattle has a lot of hills.  Wikipedia says there are seven, but I disagree.  I'm fairly certain there are actually hundreds, if not thousands.  The seven are listed as: First Hill, Yesler Hill, Cherry Hill, Denny Hill, Capitol Hill, Queen Anne Hill, and Beacon Hill.  Now, I don't live at any of those places, but I know I live on a hill.  

I have to go up that hill almost every time I want to get home.  And it's not a little hill that could easily be overlooked or forgotten.  My legs and lungs tell me it's not a little hill.  That and my previous experience with hills.  Does Seattle really think that I won't think a hill's a hill if it's not listed as one of the seven hills?  Do you think I'm that dumb, Seattle?

I've been to Ballard.  There's a hill to get into Ballard, but there's no Ballard Hill.  I've been to Fremont.  There's a hill to get into Fremont, but there's no Fremont Hill.  I've been up Phinney Ridge, which is most definitely euphemistically labeled a ridge and should be more accurately called Phinney Hill.   So why are there so many hills in Seattle that aren't granted hillhood?  Why is there such a vast hill cover-up throughout Seattle?  What is the purpose of the lies?  Who stands to gain from this hill conspiracy?

Paraglider setting sail of of one of Seattle's many imaginary hills.

Well, even the greenest Seattlite knows who stands to gain the most from hill-free propaganda: the housing profiteers.  All over Seattle, housing prices have skyrocketed, and I can only assume that this is the direct result of this flat-earth cover-up, these topographical untruths, these low elevation-gain lies!  With the median home price sitting at around $700,000, the whole city is being linguistically leveled to increase home value.  How else could you sell a sub-1000 ft² house at the top of a steep hill for that much money?

Property owners, home developers, realtors — they'll say anything to fill their pockets.  They don't care about you, they only care about your money.  Don't fall for their dirty little lies; fall for me pristine truths.  So here's the truth: Seattle is full of hills, has terrible weather, is horribly overpriced, has no jobs, and is going to break off into the ocean after the next big earthquake.  Don't move here and waste hundreds of thousands of dollars on a live-in shoebox.  If anything, you should move to Portland.

You may not know it now, but what I'm telling you is kind of a big deal.  I'm saying the things that the city doesn't want the world to know, speaking the big truths about hills like a real Troy Brockovich.  I don't want to label myself a hero, but if I get silenced in the upcoming weeks by the Condo Mafia that's taking over Ballard, I'd like to remembered as one.

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