It's a Long Way to the Top (of Christiansburg)

Night 6 - July 26, 2016 - Roanoke > Wytheville, VA
After two nights of lovely weather, I was finally looking forward to riding again.  I wasn't sure if the night into Staunton had been a fluke, but after the long ride into Roanoke went so smoothly, any misgivings I had about night riding had all evaporated.  Now that I seemed to have figured out the trick to riding through miserably hot weather, Mississippi was feeling like a physical possibility, if not a financial one.  If I had buckets of money, I could ride all night and sleep in hotels the whole way down there.  I could probably even get some fancy riding outfit with cooling units built into it so I could ride during the day.  The military must have invented them by now, right?  Have we talked about how anything is possible with money?  It's true!  The only limit for a fabulously wealthy person is their imagination and their need for attention.

It was going to be a long dark night and Google Maps had lined up a route full of questionable side roads.  I had lucked out the night prior by only having a short stretch of rough riding, and I wasn't going to roll the dice.  I quickly re-routed to major roads, thus taking all of the potential excitement out of my ride.  Next stop Wytheville (which I incorrectly pronounced as 'Wyeth-Ville').

When I'd ridden cross country a few years back, I never really looked at my route ahead of time.  I especially didn't look at elevation changes.  Remembering back, I don't think Google Maps was quite as evolved as it is today, because now maps have elevation charts right along side them.  This can be a good thing or a bad thing, as those charts can save me from terrible routes, but can also make unavoidable routes seem ominous.  Tonight was an ominous night.  I knew that up ahead of me was Christiansburg, and that there was a ten mile, 1000' climb to get into town, with a 600' wall the last mile or two.  While this distracted me from all the potential podcast serial killers in the woods, it narrowed my focus and dread onto that midpoint of the night.

Well, all that worry was pointless.  Yeah, sure, it was a big climb through unlit woods on a desolate highway, but at the top were convenience stores.  Convenience stores with pimento cheese sandwiches.  If pimento cheese is the "caviar of the South", does that make egg salad the "caviar of the North?"  I do believe.

Refueled, I hit the road with about 50 miles left in the day.  I still had a fairly large chunk of that mileage left when the sun started to rise behind me.  That beautiful harbinger of doom.  Aside from bringing pastel streaks, now that I was really in the mountains, the sunrise also brought a rising, smoky mist.

Have you ever seen Stephen King's The Mist?  That movie is messed up.

Along with the mist came the reappearance of animals.  Animals that had likely been out all night long, but that I couldn't see because of my human eyes.  Up first was a deer that I came close enough to touch.  It was standing right along the side of the road, hind legs on the ground, front legs up on a small hill so it could eat some vegetation, and so greatly enjoying it's morning nosh that it didn't even realize I was coming.  So as I sped by, close enough to pet it's back, but not doing so for fear of a startled kick to the face, I said, "Hi, Deer."  That deer did a double-take that would've made Bugs Bunny proud.  Ugh.  I wish it would've been drinking water instead of eating leaves.  A spit-take would've been even better.

After that, I saw two kittens playing in a front yard.  As I got closer, it looked like a mostly white mama cat with a little black kitten.  As I got even closer, I realized that they were not kittens at all, but skunks, which I probably shouldn't be getting cat-close to, and are probably more appealing to a dog person than a cat ever would be.  On a side note, I've heard that skunks (de-scented, obviously) make pretty great pets, with the playful nature of dogs and soft cuddliness of kitties.  If anyone has a pet skunk that I could meet, please let me know.

As the sun rose higher, so did the heat index.  And as that heat index rose, my animal sightings slowed down, with a few more skunks, some ground hogs, and a cartoonishly adorable bambi.  Animals know how to survive in nature way better than we do; always listen to them.  They were currently telling me to get the hell out of the summer sun.  A caribou once showed me how to get off of a ridgeline.  True story.  Ask me about it over a beer.

Holy moly was it getting hot.  It wasn't even 8am, and I was cooking.  That was a great reminder that switching back to days was not an option.  Not that I had much desire to switch back.  The heat index was out of control for the last 20 miles of byway that led up to Wytheville.  I was riding on a motorcycle alt route that ran parallel to 81, with no protection from the now risen sun.  If a silver lining needed to be found, it was that my hippie deodorant was proving its worth.

Obviously, Wytheville was situated at the top of a final climb (this 84-mile day featured over 5,100').  As I crawled into town, I scanned for cheap motels.  The Budget Inn looked like my best bet, but after their quick attempt at a price gouge, I ended up at a Motel 6 that had no early check-in fees and a swimming pool.  Settling into my home for the day, I found out that it's actually pronounced 'With-Ville' and that it only exists for the sake of truckers.  There is nothing in Wytheville except for gas stations, convenience stores, restaurants, and motels.  Oh, and that swimming pool, which was my first stop after a quick rinse in my room.  There was already a lady with a big sun hat sleeping by the pool.  It was around 10am.  She knew what was up.

Animal Crash Concerns: A Breakdown

When asked recently if I ever worried about crashing into a deer or some other wild animal while riding late at night, and the answer I gave was a definite no.  The reason I never worried about it was because I'd never really given any real thought to it.  But since I've been asked and am now thinking about it, yeah, that sounds pretty awful.

Squirrels - Risk: High, Danger: Low
I have never run over an animal with my bicycle, and as far as I can remember, I've never hit one with my car either.  That said, I do know of at least one person that has hit a squirrel with their bicycle, and while they still feel bad about it to this day, they were in no way injured as a result of that vehicular rodent homicide.  At an average of 1lb, even a large squirrel would be a hardly noticeable bump if one was riding with their eyes closed.  Overall, it seems that running of a squirrel is only damaging psychologically/emotionally, not physically, and even then should incur a low level of psychic damage, as squirrels often run into you rather than the other way around.  In other words, they made the conscious decision to run under your bike, so it's their fault, not yours.

Cats - Risk: Low, Danger: Low to Death
As a cat owner, this is a tough one to consider.  If you're a dog-person riding on an unloaded bicycle, a low wheely or beginner bunny hop could get you through a cat without sustaining any real damage to you or your bicycle.  Now if that bike was fully loaded, the best bet would be to ride straight through the cat and hope that you don't skid out on any entrails or get something in your eyes causing a loss of bicycle control.  If you're a cat person, in either case you are likely to swerve wildly, losing control of the bicycle, wiping out, and in the process, losing a fair amount of leg skin.  Worst case scenario is that you swerve off the side of a narrow road and plummet to your death.  Seems very unlikely, though, as most cats will avoid you like the plague.

Dogs - Risk: Medium, Danger: Low
I think we can all agree that dogs are pretty dumb.  Dogs will get in your way for one of two reasons, either they want to lick you (right dog) or they want to bite you (wrong dog).  From my experience, most dogs just want to get within five feet of your bicycle and bark until you're off their turf.  Making actual contact isn't a priority, and in a lot of cases, completely avoided.  In either case, as dumb as they are, they have no idea how mass and velocity relate to force, and this can be a real problem for you.

The amount of damage you're going to sustain really depends on the size of the dog and its intent.  Small licking dogs can usually be avoided without much swerving due to a lack of speed on their part.  Small biting dogs can be run over with cat-level damage.  Large licking dogs can also usually be avoided and are often scared off with a simple "Git," command.  Large biting dogs, though, are the real problem.  Stay on your bicycle at all cost and keep your bicycle moving in a straight line.  If a large biting dog is able to grab hold of your leg, your danger rating is going to quickly move up to High from both slamming into the ground and from the painful clamp of locking jaws as they attempt to rip your leg out of socket.  Remember, if a vicious dog is able to lock onto you, you always have the last resort of a what this lady did.  Overall, dogs likely aren't going to do much more than bark at you.

Raccoons/Groundhogs - Risk: Low, Danger: Medium to Rabies
These little guys are pretty avoidable, but in the off-chance you do hit one, it probably won't be head-on.  Smarter than the average squirrel, which will run confusing circles in front of you, these critters take off in one direction.  If you should hit one, though, you're definitely going over your handlebars if you can't get your front wheel up.  Raccoons are not small animals and groundhogs can get mighty thick.  Your best bet for this is to yell loudly before you're near them, as the only time they'll get near you is if they don't realize you're heading their way.  Should you yell, and instead of running away from you, they run towards you, then you're dealing with rabies.  Get away from that animal.

Deer - Risk: Low-Medium, Danger: High
This is the animal that started it all.  Pennsylvania highways are littered with deer all summer long, and the thought of hitting one with a bicycle instead of a car sounds just awful.  Flying down a hill in the middle of the night and slamming into a deer?  Oof.  Internet says male white-tailed deer average out around 150lbs, but I think the average deer would be fast enough to get out of my way.  To me, it seems more likely to hit a deer that was bigger and slower, which would put them in the 300-400lbs range.  That's the fuzzy equivalent of a brick wall.

While I've seen plenty of deer over the years, the only time I've been close enough to touch one has been when I snuck up on it around daybreak.  Deer are hit by cars for reasons that don't apply to bicycles, and hit bicycles for reasons that don't apply to cars.  When a deer sees and hears a car, it freaks out, runs around confusedly, and gets hit.  With a lack of sound and light, bicycles appear to be standard predators, which cause either a flight response or a decoy response (in the case of parents with babes).  In either case, they will not run at you.  Of course, there are exceptions, which will put a cyclist in a dangerous situation.

When deer do hit bicycles, it's usually because a cyclist is in the middle of the woods.  Deer encounters are more of a risk for MTB folk, but even then, the risk is low.  Mountain bikes are not quiet as they crash through the woods, providing plenty of warning for deer.  As with all animals other than dogs, your best bet is to be loud if you're worried about an unwanted encounter.

Here's a deer trying to eat my hand after a ride.  I miss those gloves.

Bears - Risk: Low, Danger: High to Death
A bear will not think twice about Revenanting your ass if the conditions are right.  If you surprise them, you will be Revenanted.  If you get between them and their young (most often without even realizing you've done so), you will be Revenanted.  If it's late in the season and they haven't eaten enough to hibernate, they will Revenant you and then eat you.  If you should find yourself within arms reach of a bear, there are no two ways about it, you are in trouble.  In a worst case scenario, just remember this simple rule: 

• Brown Bears - Play dead.  Brown bears are gigantic and you cannot win.  They will beat you around until you're no longer a threat and then leave you to die.


• Black Bears - Fight back.  While still large animals, they are around Las Vegas bouncer size, so you have some chance.  Also, these critters will not just walk away from you the way a brown bear will.  

Fortunately, bears can usually smell you from miles away.  Especially with that long haul armpit stank you've developed on the road.  Bears want nothing to do with you 99% of the time.  At most, a juvenile may show some passing interest but will then see some berries and remember that berries taste better than people.  If you should find yourself alone in bear country and are genuinely starting to worry, simply start yelling, "Hey Bear," every minute or so.  Bears will hear that and either head the other direction or stay where they are, but with the knowledge of your presence.  It's infinitely better for a bear to know where you are than to surprise it.

Moose - Risk: Medium, Danger: Low to Death
Moose are dumb, blind, possess no fear, and have the potential for great violence.  Luckily, their lack of fear also leads to a generally docile nature, as without fear, there is no anger, hate, or suffering.  A large moose is close to 7' tall and weighs upwards of 1,500lbs.  If you should ride into one of these at top speed, they will not even flinch as your internal organs turn to mush.  Alternatively, should one attack you (don't go near their babies ever), they will stomp on you until you are dead, and then they will continue to stomp on you until every last cell in your body has been returned to an atomic state.

Most often, though, moose will not even acknowledge your existence as you pass them by.  Having no fear of proximity, moose are often seen on the Anchorage Coastal Trail and in Kincaid Park, sometimes munching on trees right along the different trails, and very seldom do they ever acknowledge a cyclist's presence.

Don't try this at home.  Try it in the woods.

Animalia Miscellanea

• Both mountain lions and coyote will attach children.  For this reason, it's best to not have children.
  


• Giant snakes can be found across America.  I've even seen them along the side of the road as far north as Wisconsin.  Make sure to always keep some live mice in a pannier to use as a distraction, should you ever need to venture into tall grass to relieve yourself.
  


• Skunks are very active from late day to early morning.  They will put their butt up in their air as a warning before they spray, so if you see buns, give it room.
  


• Turtles are dumber than dogs.  If you find one in the middle of the road, stop, pick it up, and move it 10' from the road with it's head facing away from danger.
  


• Antelope are really fast.
  


• Badgers are the coolest.  If you see one, stop to take pictures.

Piece of Shit Hub: Shutter Precision PV-8 (Updated Review)

Well... a little more than a month after I posted about how much I loved my new Shutter Precision PV-8 hub, I had to make a warranty claim.  After fewer than 100 miles of usage, my hub stopped spinning smoothly and started generating less than 30mV of electricity.  For those that aren't up on dynamo hubs, the PV-8 is supposed to put out 3V, an industry standard.  Those 3V can then power my headlight and taillight without issue.  I can even add a USB charger into the mix, which slightly dims my lights but keeps them functional.  But after just a few weeks of use, my hub was generating 1/100th of the electricity it was guaranteed for, which couldn't even tickle a mouse if it was hooked straight up to their little mouse nipples.

As for the increased rotational drag, when I spun my wheel in my form, it vibrated the whole bike as it shook to a halt.  With my bike flipped in my living room, once the wheel lost it's initial speed, it shook Bionic Tibor enough to rattle the trinkets and what nots on my book shelf.

Luckily Shutter Precision has a 2-year warranty.  This is all well and good, but they don't have any policy about reimbursing people for costs associated with replacing a hub.  Here's what it takes:

1. Unlace the wheel. ($)
2. Mail the hub back. ($)
3. Wait...
4. Build new wheel.  Two options for that:
• Reuse the spokes - Different mechanics have different opinions on this.  Some say that once a spoke's been tensioned it shouldn't be recycled. ($)
• Use new spokes - Dollar a spoke?  C'mon... ($$)
5. Re-tape the rim. ($)

With parts, labor, and shipping, that can easily cost over $100.  The PV-8 is a $100 hub.  To get this fixed with a replacement hub is basically the same cost of buying another hub.  Shutter Precision said they were sorry about the hub failing, but that they only replace the hub.  So this tells me that while Shutter Precision is at fault, they believe that burden of replacement should be on the customer.  They make a crappy product and the customer gets to pay extra for that crappy product.

In summary, you probably don't want to buy a Shutter Precision hub.  They are not very good.

Philly Pedals Repost: Making Friends While Touring

Note: This post was originally written for PhillyPedals.com and can be found here.

Who needs friends when you have The Badlands?

While you’re touring, you’ll likely meet people. Maybe they’re on tour too, maybe they’re just weekend warriors riding their workday worries away on their weight weenie Pinarellos, or maybe they’re just some kid who has a flat tire and is in desperate need of help. You’ll likely get the urge to stop, talk to them, and possibly even befriend them. Don’t.

Did you forget why you’re on tour? You didn’t strap everything you need to your bike so you could ride through busy city intersections screaming, “Hey everyone, who wants to talk about some stupid BS?” You strapped all that stuff on your bike so when people try to talk to you, you can say, “Sorry, I have to get to camp before dark. You know how it is.”

In most situations, conversation with strangers is 90-95% garbage small talk. Use your time and tires to free yourself from these social shackles! You already have enough gear tied down to your racks, there’s no need to further burden yourself.

You’re going to meet all sorts of people on the road, and here’s why you should avoid them all:

Touring Cyclists

Touring is a boring narrative. It’s like fishing or collecting stamps. If you’re the one doing it, it’s great, but if you try to verbalize why it’s so great, hearing the words out loud really makes you wonder why you’re having such a great time. “Today I rode my bike for 10 hours. There wasn’t much headwind, so as you can imagine, it was pretty rock ’n’ roll.” Now imagine a conversation between two people that are both touring. That’s right; it’s twice as boring.

If you should find yourself at a campground full of people on tour, just explain that you’re tired and need to sleep. Otherwise, you’re going to end up at a campfire listening to talk of how great it is to have a West Coast microbrew after a long day of riding, the virtues of dynamo hubs over solar panels (or vice versa), and uninterestingly personal explanations of why people are on the road. Just because you’re on tour doesn’t mean all you have to talk about is touring, but as it’s your only known common ground, it’s all you will talk about. And then guess what? In the morning, you’ll wake up and start doing what you spent all night talking about. Do yourself a favor and just go to bed.

A perfect day (because there’s no one here to ruin it).

Touring Cyclists of Yore

Do not allow these people to regale you with tales of tours gone by. Their memories have all been rose-tinted by the passage of time and the death of aged brain cells. Do not allow these people to live vicariously through you. You’re only stirring up memories of better days gone by that they’ll never experience again. People who have toured will assume that you share a kindred spirit. Don’t indulge this naiveté. Just keep pedaling.

Road Cyclists

This one really shouldn’t be a problem. About 99% of road cyclists will not acknowledge your existence. You’re not wearing a kit, your bike isn’t made of carbon, and you clearly have no idea how important spinning is during the off season. Most likely, they’ll be able to sense your inferiority from about a quarter of a mile away and won’t even look up at you as they pass by.

Locals

There are two types of locals: the good ones and the bad ones. You’re just as likely to be offered a bottle of beer as you are to get one chucked at your head. Why risk it? Ignore them all.

Motorcyclists & Hitchhikers

These two groups are alright. They will exchange pleasantries and then dig no deeper into your life. Be respectful and extend the same courtesy.

Remember: If you’re touring to make friends, you’re doing it for the wrong reason.

Philly Pedals Repost: How to be a Bicycle Tourist

Note: This post was originally written for PhillyPedals.com and can be found here.

A bike shop is a bike shop is a bike shop. Don’t let language be a barrier to riding.

Note to the reader: This piece is about being a Tourist, not a Touring Cyclist.

Do you love to travel, but hate not knowing your way around? Do you eagerly anticipate visiting new places, but cringe at the thought of being lost in an unfamiliar place? Do you prefer to hit the ground running on vacation, but fear the thought of having to ask someone for directions because you don’t know if the person is going to be a jackass and point you in the wrong direction, or worse, lead you to an abandoned hospital where black market surgeons pay him $50 (USD) per healthy kidney?

If so, then you’re just like me. In every way imaginable. We are clearly twins separated at birth. What am I thinking right now? That’s right! “Popsicle!” Separated fraternal twins and ESP — such a strange phenomenon.

My recommendation for combatting this situation is to take a bicycle tour of whatever town, city, or countryside you are in as soon as you get there! Most major cities either have bicycle tour companies or bicycle shops that offer tours. Philadelphia, for example, has the Philly Bike Tour Company, which is an offshoot of Fairmount Bicycles (two birds). These types of companies offer tours that help you get to know a city, and many of them offer different ride options based on skill sets and interests.  Maybe you want a fast paced city sweep to help you get your bearings while learning something about your temporary home, or maybe a leisurely nightlife tour to get yourself ready for evening events, or if you’re really lucky, you could take a fancy, day-long wine tour through rolling hills and vineyards. It doesn’t matter which type you choose, though, as all of them will help set your inner compass.

Additionally, these companies usually provide you with everything you’ll need for the tour. Bicycle, helmet, lock, water, and if you’re lucky, lunch. In most cases, all you need to do is show up, and they take care of the rest. One less thing to worry about.

Dalian, China via local bike rental from Bǎikē Danche

As with any endeavor, planning is important. Prior to departing for your destination city, do an Internet search for bicycle tours within your destination city. For example: “bicycle tour chicago“. That search returned three different tours on the first page (and more can be found if you dig). Now that you have your tour companies, do a little research. Give the tour companies a call; don’t rely on what’s on their webpage. Talk to a representative of the company, tell them what you’re looking for, your skill level, and when you’re arriving. They’ll be able to tell you exactly which tour is perfect for you and can even make sure they wait for you on the off chance you’re late due to travel delays.

Once you’ve decided on a tour, book it! Don’t wait until you’re on vacation; book now. If you can, book it for as soon as you get to the city. If your flight lands at 8, get on that tour by 10. That’s plenty of time to drop your luggage off, put on some shorts (not lycra), and get a cab to the tour. By noon, you’ll already start to feel at home. You’ll also have a ton of pictures so you won’t have to carry your camera around and look like a tourist the rest of the time you’re there. Not that anyone uses cameras anymore.

Do you know why you need to book the tour now? Because when you get off of that plane, the last thing you’re going to want to do is go for a bike ride. You just spent hours crammed in a tiny seat with some kid kicking your back. All you’ll want to do is get a shower, stretch out, and watch some HBO. In reality, a bicycle ride will make you feel 100x better than lounging, but your mind will be too clouded with post-flight irritation to realize it. This is why you book prior to departure. That and who knows if the tours fill up quickly.

Plaza de Armas (Santiago, Chile) via La Bicicleta Verde tours.

Once you’ve booked, all you need to do is show up. If you can, try to get there a little early so you have time to adjust your helmet and your saddle height. Then hit the road. The most important part of this ride will be to keep your eyes open and listen to your guide. Everything you do and see now will make your stay more enjoyable because your comfort level within your new location will be that much greater. Take pictures. Take notes. Ask questions. Be a participant not an attendee.

After the tour’s over, thank your guide, and if you can, get their information in case you have any questions while you’re in town. You now know at least one person in this town, if even for only a few short hours. You could also get to know your fellow tour takers and make potential plans with them. This is great if you’re in town on business and are traveling alone.

Finally, if you’re feeling adventurous, find out if the shop rents out bicycles. There’s no better way to get around a city than on a bicycle, and after a week of cycling in a city, you may know it better than some of its residents. Once that happens, you’ll be the one making $50 per kidney!